Soaring with Boundaries

Boundaries. What exactly do boundaries have to do with the family? When you hear the word boundaries what are the other words that come to mind? Is it confined, restricted, bound, limited? Why do these words appear in our heads when we hear the word boundaries? The world has made it so that our minds feel like boundaries are a bad thing. The world's definition of boundaries is even "a limit of something". Many think that boundaries limit us, however, that is not true. Boundaries can set us free.

Boundaries are important in a family. Whether you are wanting to start one yourself or want to make some changes in your own family. However, to set boundaries, we need to know the different types of boundaries. We need to learn what ones are good boundaries and what ones are harmful. First, look at your own family. We each have boundaries our parents have set without saying a word. These boundaries are called unspoken boundaries. Everyone in the family seems to know about them but no one ever talks about them. In my family, my parents say, "we have many expectations but not many rules". This is very true and that is where the boundaries in my family lie. However, it is not just the expectations of our parents that my siblings and I follow. We also follow the expectation of the others in our families, such as our siblings. For me, my brother expects me to go to his basketball games to support him and because of that, I expect him to support me in my activities. Whether that be volleyball, musicals, or baking. Boundaries go two ways; it is not a one-way street. 

The second is the frigid boundaries. In the boxed-in example below, you can see that the frigid boundaries are keeping the house a little secluded. If you have frigid boundaries, you are more likely to stay in your own way. There is little to no communication, and you tend to mind your business. In a family, this is not something that should be done. This causes separation and unstable relationships between siblings, parents, or even spouses. This causes problems and can eventually cause divorce. 

Looking at the boxed-in example you can see two that look very similar. These are the two with the dashes. This brings me to the third and fourth types of boundaries. The third boundary is open. An open boundary can cause problems just like a frigid boundary. This time, however, an open boundary is basically no boundary. If you do not have boundaries there is no unity or understanding between the parties. It can cause a confusing mess in a family. There tends to be no trust between siblings, parents, and spouses. This brings us to our fourth boundary. Clear Boundaries, these boundaries are the type of boundaries you want in your relationships. It is important to have these clear boundaries because it clears up confusion conflict and there is a better understanding for those in the party/group.  

Now that we understand the different types of boundaries, we can go on to talk about what boundaries look like in our families. "Having boundaries around and within the family makes for stronger relationships".  As you can see in the example below, we have two different types of families. We have a clear boundary family and a frigid and open boundary family. In a family, there should be a strong bond between the parents. It is important to strengthen this bond early in the relationship. The clearer the boundary is between the two parties the stronger the relationship will be. The man and woman in the relationship should work together to lead the family. One should not overpower the other they should be one. If you look at the circle example on the right, you can see the frigid boundary between the parents. This could mean that one of them is not communicating with the other. This causes separation in the relationship. The open boundaries around the family as well as around the parents mean that there are no boundaries within the family. The open boundaries around the parents indicate that the parents may go to the children and talk about the problems in their marriage. However, this causes problems. This causes the children to feel as though they need to somehow fix their parent's relationship. This would be difficult to do because of the frigid boundary between the parents. Children should also not have to deal with the marriage problems between their parents. Spouses should be communicating with each other without the involvement of their children when it comes to their relationship. 

            Taking what you know now about boundaries, how are you going to incorporate them into your own family?